So, Stephen and Nicky had their baby boy, on the 28th November 2007. I'm not going to pretend it's been easy for me when I am SO BROODY right now - it's hard to be as enthusiastic about being an Auntie as Helen is when I want nothing more than to be a Mummy...

And the fact is - we CANNOT have a child here. It is WAY too small. So, we are officially, seriously, house hunting. This Saturday, we are going to sort out mortgages, get quotes and see just HOW MUCH we can borrow. We're hoping to be able to borrow enough that we can afford a decent sized 2-3 bedroom house, maybe a little furthur north of where we are, perhaps in Luton, or Northampton (where J's parents are). Then once we know for SURE that we can borrow that much, we're going to start looking for houses seriously and start going on viewings. And looking on the internet, there are LOTS of houses we will hopefully be able to afford that have at least 2 bedrooms - there's even one with 3 bedrooms, a conservatory, and an ensuite to master bedroom that we might be able to afford, which is great.

As soon as we've finalised, and have a date to move in, we're going to be officially "trying". And hope to goodness that it doesn't take very long for us to conceive - and that we're actually ABLE to conceive. That is my main fear, one that gets me so scared sometimes, that we just WON'T be able to have a child. But I know I'm not alone in these feelings, I know that every broody woman fears for her ability to get pregnant.

I told Nicky about my feelings, and she understands (thank goodness) and is okay with the fact that I'm jealous of her... which sounds crazy to me, but she said she was jealous when all her friends were having babies, so she understands that I am. And hopefully we'll be able to go up and see them sometime soon now that we're going to be looking for a new place to live and try for a family. Because one thing I really didn't want was to hold my nephew Ewan in my arms and just burst into tears because I wouldn't be a Mummy for so long... because hopefully now it won't be too long... you never know I might even be a Mummy before this year is out (well, hopefully at least pregnant).

Another thing I hate myself for is the feeling that my child won't be as special to my parents as Stephen's first child - because Ewan is now officially their first grandchild... they will never have another first grandchild. They're not becoming grandparents for the first time when I have my child, they'll just "still" be grandparents. I think Mum knows I feel this way, she keeps telling me she can't wait til she's a "nanna again" with my child. I don't know, maybe it will be more special in a way because their child is actually going to be giving birth, their child is going to be the one carrying their grandchild.

I'm just glad it's no longer "some time in the future, when we live somewhere bigger", but it might possibly be this year that I get pregnant, this year that we move house... It finally seems to be moving along!